me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I camp so other people don’t have to.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
😜
Proctology is located in A55
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point