My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”