Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
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A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
finally found a reasonable question
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.