“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too