Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.