Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
never forget
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Pringles
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool