I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see