When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Only a mother’s love …
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly