No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it