me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯