god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
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Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
The Others (2001)
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
did it work
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
What kind of a cult is this?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*