National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
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COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Name this drama.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.