FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
wtf is a larm clock?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Home is where your toilet is.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Good morning
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say