Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
is this how new cars are made??
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give