Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…