ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
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“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?