Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
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oh my god
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.