The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?