[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
OMG 🤣🤣
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.