Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer