Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
LMAO
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.