Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I love the National Park Service.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire