Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
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The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”