Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Twitter remains undefeated
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Well, that didn’t work.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.