Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet