Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.