[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
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Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.