How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
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Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.