PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.