Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
THIS HEADLINE
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.