Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you