Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”