My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
this will hang in the louvre one day
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan