Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
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GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.