“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
is this store having a stroke wtf
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Liquor Store Parking
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant