You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
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Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.