wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
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How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
umm…
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
One cake enters. No cake leaves.