Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
#inspiration #foodforthought
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI