He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Cake safety first. Always.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago