Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.