Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.