Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
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I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Basically.