*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
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I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.