Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
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You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
All excellent questions
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.