“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
WHY?!
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping