me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
me after drinking all the wine: