Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
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Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
podcasts
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
how to exercise your calf muscles
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt