You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Good morning
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.