In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Safety first
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
When your parents check you’re ok.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?