“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
#growingpains
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you